You Are Not Hearing Me!

On the table in front of each chair, I’m laying out brochures and handouts as per instructions. Or so I think. Ann comes over, asks how I’m doing, and suddenly says, “No, no, that’s not what I told you to do!” She quickly gathers up all the materials. I guess I’m starting over.

“Oh.” I’m puzzled. “I thought you said……….”

“You are not hearing me!”

I stare at her, stunned. Embarrassed. Angry. What the …? Am I stupid? I feel under attack. What am I missing? Have I done a bad job of listening to instructions?

“Sorry. What is it you want me to do?” I don’t want to sound too sensitive or combative. It’s hard to really listen when someone is freaking out and blaming. It’s like she’s yelling at me, and I can’t understand why or what she’s talking about.

That was a number of years ago. I still remember how I felt. She was no doubt frustrated – maybe due to time constraints and having to get things in place quickly. Maybe she wasn’t used to others not following her directions. Or, maybe she was too used to people ignoring her.

At any rate, I learned that it’s an accusative phrase, and it breaks down rather than improves communication. It’s an emotional trigger that makes others want to strike back or back off.

What’s a better approach? I could have heard her better if she had lowered the volume and said, “Sounds like I wasn’t clear enough. I’ll show you how I want things laid out.”

We have nothing to lose by avoiding attack mode. It didn’t matter if she’d been clear enough or not. Her intention had not been understood, for whatever reason. Triggering negative emotions was not going to have positive results. Her message was phrased, and delivered, as “You screwed up, dummy!” That’s what I heard. I sensed contempt. I didn’t strike back. That would have made it worse. I did shut down. And I avoided her after that.

Our words, tone, and volume can turn people off and away. If we want to build and maintain good relationships and reputation, we need to approach others with kindness and respect, whether they are hearing us or not. The people we accuse will accuse us back – actively, passively, and to others.

Think again before speaking a phrase beginning with “you.” If it sounds like it casts blame, change course. Say nothing or rephrase. Retire the phrase “You are not hearing me.”

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