Conversation 101: Getting Other People to Talk

You don’t have to be a genius, super skilled, or a clever and confident speaker to join a simple everyday conversation. It doesn’t have to be intimidating. It can be easy and fun. Certainly with practice.

You don’t have to know beforehand what all to say and what to do. It’s not a speech. Take most of your cues from the other person. Watch and listen. Ask questions. Get the person to talk. People usually like to talk about themselves.

Is someone looking at you? Smile and nod. If you’re near each other, say, “Hello. My name is ____.” A better connection is made when you offer your name.

If the person, let’s say it’s Jon, says hello back, take a beat. See if Jon starts talking. If not, you might prompt him by asking,” How are you doing today?” or maybe “What brings you here?”

If Jon starts talking, then listen, pay attention. Don’t look at your phone or off into the distance.

When there’s a pause, you can ask a question or make a comment that fits what was said. Keep it short. If Jon asks you a question, keep it short. He’ll get bored if you go long.

Maybe Jon says, “Well, I was doing okay until I started to drive over and things kinda went sideways.” If you say, “My day was pretty good. I’m glad I could be here” – that’s not a conversation. That’s two side-by-side monologues. There’s really no connection, in spite of the fact that you both refer to your day and the event you’re at.

A true connection and conversation occur when responses are linked and build on each other. For instance: You say, “How are you doing?” Jon says, “Well, I was doing okay until I started to drive over and things kinda went sideways.” Now you say, “sideways?” Jon will likely respond by telling you something about what went wrong.” Repeating his words in a curious, questioning tone invites him to say more. Let him talk. This shows you are attentive and interested. This is how you build a connection.

Avoid rushing in to take the conversation in a new direction, unless Jon invites it by asking you an unrelated question. Jon might say, “My car broke down. What kind of car do you have?” You might say, “I own a ___. Fortunately it’s been pretty dependable.” Or, maybe you relate back to Jon’s words: “It’s frustrating to have your transportation fail you. Is the car problem serious?” And Jon has been invited to continue.

It can be quite easy getting others to talk. Sure, sometimes they just won’t engage, so you politely nod and move on. Sometimes they get started and don’t want to quit. But, know that you have options. You don’t need to feel stuck when it comes to what to say. Keep it simple and get the other person to talk. You don’t need to avoid conversing with others in entry level conversations. Recognize that you have a magic key that can get others to open up and do the talking.

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